Conversations With My Wife – Chocolates

Janis Ian - Conversations With My Wife

Janis: What are you doing?
Pat: Packing Christmas gifts.
Janis: What happened to Chanukah?
Pat: If you’ll spell it right, I’ll tell you.
Janis: I am NOT spelling it without the kchekch sound.
Pat: Omigod I can almost HEAR that spelling!
Janis : Do you like it? I had to make it up. Everyone around here kept telling me to have a happy Chinookah…
Pat: It sounds like you’re trying to cough up a hairball.
Gracie Mae: Ewwwwww…
(Yes we know dogs can’t say that, but you should see the look on her face.)
Janis: Is there any chocolate left?
Pat: Yes. Two extra packages.
Janis: Can I have one?
Pat: No.
Janis: Can I have one please?
Pat: No.
Janis: Can I have one pretty-please-I’m-so-tired-I’ve-been-working-all-day-for-the-good-of-this-family-and-I-desperately-need-chocolate please?
Pat: No.
Janis: You are so mean!!
Pat: No I’m not. I’m practical.
Janis: How is withholding chocolate from me practical?!
Pat: If someone suddenly brings us a Christmas gift, we’ll be able to reciprocate right away, just as though we’d already thought about them.
Janis: But there will be no card.
Pat: Already thought of it. See, each of these has a generic card attached. All I have to do is say “Just a second, let me get yours!”, run into my office, write their name on the card, and voila!
Janis: Just make sure you don’t use a fountain pen. You’ll have to wait for the ink to dry.
Janis: There is still chocolate, Pat. I can see it.
Pat: I swear, sometimes living with you is like living with a child.
Janis: I am supposed to remain childlike. I Am An Artist.
Pat: Child-LIKE is different from child-ISH.
Janis: There is nothing childish about wanting chocolate, Pat. Besides, it’s good for you! All the current studies say so.
Pat: Current studies also say staying underweight increases your life span. Which do you want to go with?
Janis: Right now? Chocolate.
Pat: No. These are for guests.
Janis: We never have guests.
Pat: Possibly because we never have anything to offer them because you eat all the chocolate.
Janis: Do not!
Pat: Do too!
Janis: Do not!
Pat: Do too!
Janis: You do know that IF I had chocolate, and IF I ate it all right now, I wouldn’t be tempted tomorrow because there would be none left in the house.
Janis: And therefore it would be much easier for me to stay on my diet through the holidays, because there would be no chocolate in the house.
Janis: And you would be doing me a great favor if I could eat it all now and get rid of it… Think of the karmic value to your next life, such an unselfish act!
Pat: Oh for gosh sake, here. Take the chocolate!
Janis: Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.
Janis: These are very small pieces, Pat.
Pat: I know.
Janis: Extremely small.
Pat: Yes, extremely small.
Janis: I would swear they were bigger when I was a kid.
Pat: You’re probably right. Then again, it’s all about perspective. You were a lot smaller when you were a kid. Maybe they just looked bigger.
Janis: Well, yes, I am taller now.
Pat: Not by much.
Pat: You don’t have to eat them, you know.
Janis: Yes I do. They were a present from my wife. It would be terribly ungracious of me not to eat them.
Pat: That’s you all right. Miss Gracious.
Janis: You are correct! I learned to be gracious living in the South!!
Pat: Can I have one?
Janis: No. They are mine.
Pat: So much for being gracious.
Janis: I AM being gracious. I am going to eat them in the other room, as I write you a thank you card.
Pat: Sometimes, Janis, I despair. Really, I despair.

Does Your Favorite Chocolate Bar Taste Different? You May Not Be Crazy
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