Joke thread

[paularoid]

What to wear
-------------

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi. 'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?' The rabbi responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"
.

[Dee]

An elderly gentleman (approximately 90), hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

:p

[KarenSews2]

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK . . . so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

[Dee]

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

LOL LOL LOL

[hoops]

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?



this is soooooooooooooooo true!!! every time i think about my age i think"what happened to the last 20 years and where was i when it happend?"

[SongDragon]

hoops--I always wondered if I was some older person's inner young person that broke free and is now going "What the heck am I doing back here again with these nut jobs called teen agers?".

:p

~Song

[mixtymotions]

http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

I'm 0/10 - good luck!

[sister rose]

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
that has actually happened to me a few times......:o

[lucille]

this is soooooooooooooooo true!!! every time i think about my age i think"what happened to the last 20 years and where was i when it happend?"

I said exactly the same thing today to a friend who is about to turn 60, and dreads it. I also said that last 20 years went so quickly, and I hope the next 20 slow down a bit:D

[KarenSews2]

that has actually happened to me a few times......:o


Oddly, I'm not a bit surprised by that!:p

[paularoid]

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickuptruck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
.

[moe75]

LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS

A number of primary schools were doing a project on
"The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write
about their experiences.
Teachers got together to compare the results and
put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric
eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under
the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to
chargers. (Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you
don't have sea all around you, you are in continent.
(Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth,
just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an ******* on the top of it's
head. (Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back
with crabs. (Millie age 6)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds
to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow,
the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My
brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their
shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it
makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

[Bat]

QUESTIONS ABOUT 2010 OLYMPICS
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. A: A-fri is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[Des]

JACK AND JILL

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.
I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f*****g attitude, you never will."

[paularoid]

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"
.

[Dee]

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

Suuuuuure you can. :rolleyes: Mercy! LOL

[SongDragon]

With the "pride" of an American: I see we weren't intimidated by the prospect of sounding stupid (by the number of... uh... interesting questions labeled U.S.A. up there).

~Song

[paularoid]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and lovekids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A similar new wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
.

[RedjackRyan]

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought*she was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously--no one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew*up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three*thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment*for a pig.
28... The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and* Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

[Bat]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names-a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprophen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxaflppin. Also considered were: mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and of course ibepokin.

Fizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails and highballs.

Pepsi will market the new formula by the name, Mount & Do. The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past five years, Americans have spent more money on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer’s research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can’t remember what to do with them.

[PeteCC]

I had heard that they were going to be marketing Viagra eye drops. Apparently they do nothing for your sex life, they just make you look hard.

[Bat]

BWAAHHAHAHAHAHA!!...Pete, that made me laugh out loud!...where was the spew alert?:D

[Bat]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . . . .


He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in
Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out
there).


He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. Ole reaches
under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow
farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the
cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls,
and the cow farts again.


Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current
owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.


When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,
"Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat,
and see vat happens."


Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole
and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"


Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole
replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"


Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

[paularoid]

Also known as "woman's intuition", this sixth sense thing is no myth. Woman seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.
Why is this?
In the early 90's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces.
That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower...
.

[Des]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triplefilter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.